Since New Years has rolled around I have began the P90X workout. I'm tired of feeling chubby, sucking it in, & always thinking people are staring. So I decided to do something about it. I posted about p90x on twitter one night and a guy named Sean offered to be my p90x coach. It sounded weird at the time but I gave it a shot and am SO grateful I did! It was super annoying at first because he was always on my butt about "What did you eat" "What work out did you do". I couldn't stand it but once I got into the habit of him asking I got in the routine to eating healthier and doing the workout everyday. Since day 1, I have added zumba into my schedule as well. I LOVE it. Our instructor, Alice, is our age, gorgeous and super energetic with an amazing body. I always come out with my shirt drenched.
The past 2 weeks my schedule has been ridiculous and I've forgotten to complete school assignments or gotten classes and other things off schedule. It made me want to break down and cry, but crying won't solve any of it, I still missed my quiz and I was still late to student teach. I get so aggravated with myself..I felt like it was impossible to even continue p90x. There's not enough time in the day. I'm always studying for this, or doing lab for that, or doing a random assignment. I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK.
Skylar, bless his precious heart, has been texting me the past couple of weeks and for some reason I feel so incredibly comfortable with him. We watched the "It gets better" project on MTV last Tuesday night..not together though. Then I got to talking to him about how I don't understand how people can be so cruel to others. I could NEVER find it in my heart to bully someone to the point where they would be willing to take their own life. 1 in 3 homosexual teens contemplate suicide is what the show said. That statistic made me cry. My best friend is my whole world and he's a homosexual. He hasn't ever said anything about people's comments toward him and I'm very curious as to know if someone ever has insulted him..it breaks my heart to think such a thing. Like I said, I don't understand how someone could do that. That show really made me think & I love that. It led me to thinking about my religion.
I'm a catholic, but not necessarily a proud one. Who is the catholic church to tell me that I cannot be a homosexual being (I'm not, by the way)? Who is the church to tell me that if I'm being beaten by my husband, that it's a sin to get a divorce and I cannot receive communion? Who is the church to tell me that God does not love me if either of these happen? Who are they to tell me that swearing is going to send me to hell? Who are they to tell me that sex should be between a MAN and his WIFE. Why is premarital sex so wrong? Who are they to say that the bread and wine we receive at communion is Jesus's body and blood? I believe it is a representation, but I know both come from a manufacturing company, I do not believe it is the real thing. Isn't church all about worshiping God and being freed of sin? Then why is it that we sit in pews and are not on our knees begging for forgiveness the entire length of the mass? There are just so many things that I don't understand. I've asked questions to my mother and grandma and even people in the church that simply cannot answer my questions they just simply say "That's how it's always been." Well, that isn't a good enough answer for me. I want to feel alive at church, I want to feel the need to go, I want to cry because of all the beautiful stories, I want to go to church without being judged and stared at. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. I recite the prayers in my head, but I never listen to what I am actually saying. I want to feel the power of prayer every time I speak the words. THAT is what a church is to me. That is what God does for me. I don't think I want to be catholic anymore, yet I couldn't imagine being married at any other place but my hometown church. It hurts to not know what I want or have a path to follow but I know I have to figure it out on my own..that's one of the irritating things. I want a leader. I need a leader.
Having said all I have, I've been seriously trying to figure out who I am in this world. I've become stronger I think.Especially when it comes to alcohol and the opposite sex. Being on a well balanced diet made me realize I don't NEED alcohol in my life, especially not to have fun. It ruins my body (100% sugar) along with some relationships that I would much rather keep. Something else I have learned about myself is that I'm tired of being a piece of ass. I want a relationship but I will not settle for imperfection-given relationships are not perfect, but they can come close. Why would I want to continue to be with someone who annoys me or whom I can't feel comfortable enough telling HEY YOURE GETTING ON MY NERVES. I want that in a relationship--complete and utter honesty, whether it hurts or not.
About a month ago my ex from 8th grade (I'm only a sophomore in college, people!) got a hold of me and asked to see me. I agreed in a heartbeat. My relationship towards him will always be simple-I'll love J until the day I do. I would do anything to see him happy, although I would much rather see him happy with me..He joined the army over this past summer and went away to bootcamp. When J came over to my apartment, we talked like we just saw each other yesterday, when in reality it had probably been at least a year. Everything was just how it used to be and I loved it. He rubbed my back, he played with my hair, and looked me straight in the eyes and looked like he couldn't get enough. He told me he was on a break with his girlfriend. My heart fluttered thinking I could have back what was once mine..J told me he was leaving for Afghanistan in 3 months. It took awhile for it to soak in, but when it did I tried not to let it show. I told him that I was proud of him and that I can't wait until he gets to come back home and see everyone and just tried really hard to send him positive feedback. He left and I broke down. I was the only person he had told. No best friend, no girlfriend, not even his parents-- just ME. I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I have to stay positive when I want so badly for him to stay here where it's safe. I don't know what I would do with myself if he never came back...seriously.I've thought about him every day since I saw him last. I texted him the next day and asked him about what I was to him. He told me he wanted to be friends like we used to be. I DO miss it; we were so close. But, I want the friendship more than he does. I've called him a number of times and he won't get back to me. He doesn't have a voicemail set up so I can't leave a message. It hurts me so bad that I want to tell him everything in the world, but he won't pick up the phone. Yesterday I looked at his facebook and I think he's back with M. My heart sank so low and started to hurt..I just wish he'd get back to me. I can be a friend to him if that's all he wants, but that requires talking to me. See, me and my best friend that I talked about earlier (the homosexual one) it was known during high school that we were best friends so when he would start dating a girl (I still don't understand the whole him dating girls thing..) they would know that I'm not a threat. With J, if we started being friends again, he wouldn't make it known that we were friends if that makes sense. It's like we're secret friends, so if he talks to me it looks super sketchy if his girlfriend or friends found out. I dont want it to be like that! Why is it a sin to have a friend?
Too many thoughts have been crossing my mind lately and I'm ready to let them all out. Are you ready to listen?
Love always,
Cat lady
