A LOT has happened since the last time I wrote.I've gotten 10x closer with my best guy friend who just so happens to be gay, I've grown farther away from RS, and I've finally taken a look inside of my own head. I work with a cutie named ST, now I know what you all are thinking..another guy from work?She's crazy.Well..this time, it actually feels right. We've talked about religion..beliefs..REAL stuff.I absolutely love it. I don't think I even realized how I felt about being Catholic until I talked to ST. It's so hypocritical. Who is the catholic church to tell me I can't be a homosexual (I'm not for the record)? Who are they to say that if I'm married and my husband is beating me, that it is unacceptable and frowned upon to divorce him and I can no longer receive communion? Why is premarital sex bad? Are you really going to tell me that the bread and wine received at communion are REALLY Jesus's body and blood? It comes from a factory; I watched a video about how it was made when I was in 2nd grade making my first communion. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an awesome representation, but there is no way I can possibly believe that it's all from Jesus's body. If being Catholic is about worshiping God and repenting our sins, why are we not on our knees throughout that entire mass? If you're going to be Catholic, why not do everything like they did in the old days when the only thing that existed was the worship of God? When I was telling ST about all this, it literally started flowing out of my mouth and I wasn't even thinking. I definitely didn't realize I felt like that! I'm happy I have realized how unhappy I am with the Catholic religion & I pray I find one that I accept and can be dedicated to.
More on ST..He's about 6 foot, brown hair, kind of emo-ish styled where his bangs swoop down across his forehead.. He looks so good in a hat & mid-calf socks. Dear Lord, I love it. And he's such a sweetheart.. It started off obviously as just friends and then idk, but somehow we ended up being "married" hahah then we started texting a lot and we'd joke around about being married and give jokingly compliments. Then it really did hit me one day that what he was telling me, I really liked to hear. So some of my JOKINGLY compliments turned into real compliments..and the same went for him, except it was really hard to tell sometimes if he was serious or just kidding. So one time I said something that definitely could have been taken as a joke and he responded and then I go "but realllllly...." then another time I completely called him out and said that sometimes it's hard to tell if he's being serious or not and he apologized and then we've been serious since that moment. I told him I liked him, he said he likes me too :) I'm 20 years old and I still get giddy about a boy. The only problem is, is that boy (ST) is only 17..I'm almost 21. Now, according to Indiana State Laws, the consenting age is 16, but I don't want to look like a cougar or as disrespected. I like who I like and I CAN'T help that. I somewhat wish I could in this instance, but at the same time I've finally made myself happy and hardly care about others' opinions. Anyways, I think ST reminds me a lot of my best friend CW. Same style of clothes worn, same music listened to, same outgoing personality. I love that about CW & I think that's why ST is growing on me soo much.
I've always told my friends that I can't TALK talk to a guy if I can't imagine having sex with them. Not that relationships of mine must revolve around sex, they most certainly don't..I'll be honest, I do like sex, but if I find that right person it doesn't matter to me at all and I want it to take a while before we have sex. It's more special with the wait. Also, why would I want to have sex with someone who might "hit it & quit it". If they can stay with me for awhile, I know that sex isn't all they're interested in. Back to the main point though..EVENTUALLY I'll have sex with a guy I'm talking to. If they're the right person sex is going to happen whether we wait til our wedding night or it happens before. But if I can't picture us ever having sex (because if I marry you, I want to have sex and reproduce and be a mom..eventually) than I can't wire my brain to think we can have a relationship. Does that make sense??? I hope so.
Anyways..ST and I somehow got on the subject of sex. I love that he feels that open with me. I was SO shocked when he said that he had already had sex before a few times. I think that may have been what was stopping me from him before that point. I don't wanna de-virginitize a 17 year old boy who's still in high school especially when I've had sex too many times to count with 15 different people. I understand that it that statement just sounded outrageous.. 15 different people by age 20.It is outrageous. I'm not happy about it, but I'm definitely not disappointed by it.
Hopefully some day, I won't be what I've accepted myself to be for the past 3 years.
--Cat Lady
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
More thinking..TWLOHA
So I was thinking more about the J situation..why do I buy into his nice guy act and let him get what he wants and then not speak to me? It's ridiculous and I'm tempted to just tell him how it is. I'd delete his number, but I have it memorized..I either need him 100% in my life, or 100% out of it, there can't be an in between.
Meanwhile, I got my ear --a triple forward helix!!!!I love love love it. The pop of the needle going through was the absolute worst,but still bearable.
looks like this (:
Today is international pancake day--aka this girl is going to IHOP before they close tonight!!
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today is the first day of march! R & I are sitting at the TWLOHA table today to share info about self-harm. we made ribbons and bracelets last night and posters and they're all so stinkin cute im excited to be doing something for such a good cause. were also doing henna tattoos and body painting "love" on peoples arms. most excited about that i'd say!!
when i was in 8th grade, my best friend at the time, K, was dating a guy named chris. he had heart problems along with huge family problems. i dont remember specifics but i think his dad abandoned his mom and him when chris was young..there was definitely negativeness towards his dad. anyways..chris dealt with his pain with his dad by cutting himself.mainly on the thighs. he talked to K about it once and she didn't understand how he could to that to himself and all she wanted to do was understand why he would do such a thing..so she cut herself once to see if she could understand. that first time, lead to a second, and then a third and before i could realize it, my best friend was a cutter too. it broke my heart and made me feel so helpless that i couldnt be there with her ALL the time to tell her not to do it or to keep my eye on her. im happy she told me but it weighed on me so badly. one day she had an awful episode and pulled a knife from the kitchen and hid in the bathroom from her mom whom is one of the sweetest ladies i've ever met..after she came out, K's older brother took her for a drive to talk. they had no destination in mind, just a tank full of gas and a lot on the mind. they talked for hours about her cutting among other things. it was 6 years ago. K and I aren't really friends anymore but anytime i overhear someone talk about how they dont understand people who can harm themselves, it really gets me going inside. I realized..it doesnt matter that YOU understand. YOU just have to help them. That's all they need; someone to talk to. you dont have to speak any words..just listen.so today is for K, my dear old best friend whom I am so thankful is still alive today and has quit hurting herself.
love always,
Cat Lady
Meanwhile, I got my ear --a triple forward helix!!!!I love love love it. The pop of the needle going through was the absolute worst,but still bearable.
looks like this (:Today is international pancake day--aka this girl is going to IHOP before they close tonight!!
______________________________________________________________________________
today is the first day of march! R & I are sitting at the TWLOHA table today to share info about self-harm. we made ribbons and bracelets last night and posters and they're all so stinkin cute im excited to be doing something for such a good cause. were also doing henna tattoos and body painting "love" on peoples arms. most excited about that i'd say!!
when i was in 8th grade, my best friend at the time, K, was dating a guy named chris. he had heart problems along with huge family problems. i dont remember specifics but i think his dad abandoned his mom and him when chris was young..there was definitely negativeness towards his dad. anyways..chris dealt with his pain with his dad by cutting himself.mainly on the thighs. he talked to K about it once and she didn't understand how he could to that to himself and all she wanted to do was understand why he would do such a thing..so she cut herself once to see if she could understand. that first time, lead to a second, and then a third and before i could realize it, my best friend was a cutter too. it broke my heart and made me feel so helpless that i couldnt be there with her ALL the time to tell her not to do it or to keep my eye on her. im happy she told me but it weighed on me so badly. one day she had an awful episode and pulled a knife from the kitchen and hid in the bathroom from her mom whom is one of the sweetest ladies i've ever met..after she came out, K's older brother took her for a drive to talk. they had no destination in mind, just a tank full of gas and a lot on the mind. they talked for hours about her cutting among other things. it was 6 years ago. K and I aren't really friends anymore but anytime i overhear someone talk about how they dont understand people who can harm themselves, it really gets me going inside. I realized..it doesnt matter that YOU understand. YOU just have to help them. That's all they need; someone to talk to. you dont have to speak any words..just listen.so today is for K, my dear old best friend whom I am so thankful is still alive today and has quit hurting herself.
love always,
Cat Lady
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