Sittin in the Corner

This past week has been complete hell. Thursday marked the first day of finals. Wednesday going into Thursday I was to busy writing a 17 page paper about 4 books I never even read that I didn't have time to sleep. Thursday night, I had to work from 4 pm until 1 am then came home to work on my 78 page final project for physical education. I ate about one meal a day. Maybe it was from the lack of sleep and the worrying that I wasn't going to finish on time. I've made myself so sick to my stomach the past few days. While all of this is going on, I have boys throwing themselves at me for attention, but not the one I want it from. It's honestly been a reoccurring mistake since early October. You'd think this would be flattering, but it has the opposite effect on me. BB has ignored me for the past couple of weeks. Hasn't texted me, called, nothing. We went to the movies a few weeks ago and after that..it's like I'm dead to him. I hate the feeling of being unwanted. It's the worst. It makes my heart physically hurt just like it's being squeezed inside my chest. I gave in and tried talking to him. Nothing. Another feeling I hate is thinking you did something wrong..I'm not good enough. I've felt this feeling far too many times in my life. Perfection is impossible, but when you feel like you're on the complete opposite end of the stick, it just doesn't feel too hot. I've begged and pleaded like a child asking for a toy at Walmart. All I need anymore to make me happy is a conversation. With anyone. I just feel so unwanted by everyone. Everyone. It's not even that I'm being shut up out everyone's lives. I'm not. I've been asked to hang out several times with multiple times..I just don't feel interested in going. I feel depressed. I don't want to do anything but sit in my room with the door shut and the lights off and listen to sad songs or watch sad movies. I just want to be held. Just held. No conversation is needed. I just need to know what's wrong with me... Soon it's going to be Christmas break and everyone's going to be gone. Gone home, gone to work everyday...just gone. Jerrad, the first and only one I've ever fallen madly in love with, the boy that used to be my best friend...he's gone. He left for Afghanistan without telling me. I've put off this day for months, knowing it would come too soon. I was so shocked to hear from him last night. I still can't put all my thoughts together about how I feel about it. He's been missing from my life for way too long, but not by my choice. Hopefully..HOPEFULLY I'm still in his heart like he is in mine. I can't believe he left. What's his calling me mean? I miss him. I'm so happy, I'm sad. I just don't know what to feeeeeeeeel. Love, Cat Lady