Guess I Messed Up.

Well...guess i messed it all up. I guess i basically see the situation like this: Patrick only wants me for sex and doesn't want a relationship(or is too scared to be in one) so if he wants ME, he can get a hold of me. There's no point in making an effort on my part because i know all he wants is sex..so he didnt text me friday night when i went out for my roommate jaymee's birthday & i got really drunk and texted him and just wanted him to come over and hold me and then fuck the shit out of me hahaha but he just kept sayin no i can't (it's a long drive) so i was like okay and he kept giving his ipod to ian AGAIN so it was taking him forever to reply and when i get drunk i wanna talk NOW there is no "hold on" its now.so i got mad that he wouldnt talk and never does for that matter.so then he goes okay you wanna talk, ill talk.then i told him something and he fell asleep.classy.so he texts me back in the morning saying i cant get mad because he told me he was in bed and i just said i didnt care..which i did say and still mean.and that i didnt text him all day and waited til i was drunk to do so.whatever..so now theres a slight issue and it bothers me..i miss him a lot.like last night we worked together and i just wanted to go back to his house and sleep with him..yes i do mean actual sleep, not sex.thats how i am.i can go and hang out..he doesnt seem to be able to reciprocate. anyways..now i just want to talk to him but he hasnt replied yet and its been an hour.i wish he could see things from my point of view SO badly.but that would require us actually talking in person not through text.texts can get confusing and misread.i want to just calmly tell him how i feel and just have him listen and understand where im coming from.and try and fix things by talking, not by having makeup sex without even having fixed things.

love always,
cat lady

From the Beginning.

12. The number of texts I got last night from Patrick. We work together..and have sex..a lot. We dated for a week but then he bailed and said we rushed into it yet told me he didn't just want to be friends. He texts me everyday around 6 or 7pm and asks how my day was..Sometimes I wonder why he even asks because it doesn't seem like he honestly cares, he's just looking to start a conversation. The past week I'm lucky if I talk to him for an hour. His friend Ian has been living with him and Ian doesn't have a phone. Patrick has a prepaid phone and ran out of minutes so he's been texting me from his iPod...technology these days is insane. Anyways..so Patrick just gives up his ipod so Ian can text his girl and that's his excuse for not talking to me. In complete honesty, it hurts my feelings so bad because I feel that he doesn't care whether or not he talks to me... I DO want to talk to him! Another guy from work, Skylar, told me that Patrick said sex with me is the best sex he's ever had. I'm flattered. But Skylar along with several othes have told me that's all he's in it for-sex. I'm not blind, nor unintelligent. I see exactly what they see, yet I can't find it in myself to do something about it. I know exactly what I need to do, I just choose to let it continue. Why? I have no balls.

I just really wish the people I cared about, cared more. Not necessarily about me, just about random things. Being used is the story of my life and I guess I don't know any better from men because that's basically the only thing I've surrounded myself with. I know how to care and to love, they don't..or just choose not to. "It's not you, it's me." "I'll have to do this, this & this if I start a relationship." "I don't want to be in a relationship right now." etc.  I believe it's called commitment issues. Same words said, different people. It's like my life has a rewind button and I'm bring punished over and over again for letting down my wall. Maybe I'm doing something that I don't realize I'm doing, but I doubt it. I've gone the past 2 and a half years without being in a relationship. I'm not necessarily looking to be in a relationship (I wish guys would understand that instead of assuming I want one!) but at the same time it makes me feel like complete shit when one of my best friends has been dating her boyfriend for 2 and a half years and she has a promise ring and everything and I could almost bet you that they get married within the next 4 years. I love the both of them. I want what they have. Just someone to be there at the end of the day, especially when I've had a terrible day. I'm not asking for a life coach, just someone to care about me and only me and to make me feel happy as much as they possibly can. I'm tired of being used and abused. I have a heart, but if it keeps being torn apart with every guy I "talk" to, then I'm considering being single for the rest of my life...and maybe buying 50 cats to keep me company.

Love Always,
Cat Lady.