Catching up

A LOT has happened since the last time I wrote.I've gotten 10x closer with my best guy friend who just so happens to be gay, I've grown farther away from RS, and I've finally taken a look inside of my own head. I work with a cutie named ST, now I know what you all are thinking..another guy from work?She's crazy.Well..this time, it actually feels right. We've talked about religion..beliefs..REAL stuff.I absolutely love it. I don't think I even realized how I felt about being Catholic until I talked to ST. It's so hypocritical. Who is the catholic church to tell me I can't be a homosexual (I'm not for the record)? Who are they to say that if I'm married and my husband is beating me, that it is unacceptable and frowned upon to divorce him and I can no longer receive communion? Why is premarital sex bad? Are you really going to tell me that the bread and wine received at communion are REALLY Jesus's body and blood? It comes from a factory; I watched a video about how it was made when I was in 2nd grade making my first communion. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an awesome representation, but there is no way I can possibly believe that it's all from Jesus's body. If being Catholic is about worshiping God and repenting our sins, why are we not on our knees throughout that entire mass? If you're going to be Catholic, why not do everything like they did in the old days when the only thing that existed was the worship of God? When I was telling ST about all this, it literally started flowing out of my mouth and I wasn't even thinking. I definitely didn't realize I felt like that! I'm happy I have realized how unhappy I am with the Catholic religion & I pray I find one that I accept and can be dedicated to.

More on ST..He's about 6 foot, brown hair, kind of emo-ish styled where his bangs swoop down across his forehead.. He looks so good in a hat & mid-calf socks. Dear Lord, I love it. And he's such a sweetheart.. It started off obviously as just friends and then idk, but somehow we ended up being "married" hahah then we started texting a lot and we'd joke around about being married and give jokingly compliments. Then it really did hit me one day that what he was telling me, I really liked to hear. So some of my JOKINGLY compliments turned into real compliments..and the same went for him, except it was really hard to tell sometimes if he was serious or just kidding. So one time I said something that definitely could have been taken as a joke and he responded and then I go "but realllllly...." then another time I completely called him out and said that sometimes it's hard to tell if he's being serious or not and he apologized and then we've been serious since that moment. I told him I liked him, he said he likes me too :) I'm 20 years old and I still get giddy about a boy. The only problem is, is that boy (ST) is only 17..I'm almost 21. Now, according to Indiana State Laws, the consenting age is 16, but I don't want to look like a cougar or as disrespected. I like who I like and I CAN'T help that. I somewhat wish I could in this instance, but at the same time I've finally made myself happy and hardly care about others' opinions. Anyways, I think ST reminds me a lot of my best friend CW. Same style of clothes worn, same music listened to, same outgoing personality. I love that about CW & I think that's why ST is growing on me soo much.

I've always told my friends that I can't TALK talk to a guy if I can't imagine having sex with them. Not that relationships of mine must revolve around sex, they most certainly don't..I'll be honest, I do like sex, but if I find that right person it doesn't matter to me at all and I want it to take a while before we have sex. It's more special with the wait. Also, why would I want to have sex with someone who might "hit it & quit it". If they can stay with me for awhile, I know that sex isn't all they're interested in. Back to the main point though..EVENTUALLY I'll have sex with a guy I'm talking to. If they're the right person sex is going to happen whether we wait til our wedding night or it happens before. But if I can't picture us ever having sex (because if I marry you, I want to have sex and reproduce and be a mom..eventually) than I can't wire my brain to think we can have a relationship. Does that make sense??? I hope so.

Anyways..ST and I somehow got on the subject of sex. I love that he feels that open with me. I was SO shocked when he said that he had already had sex before a few times. I think that may have been what was stopping me from him before that point. I don't wanna de-virginitize a 17 year old boy who's still in high school especially when I've had sex too many times to count with 15 different people. I understand that it that statement just sounded outrageous.. 15 different people by age 20.It is outrageous. I'm not happy about it, but I'm definitely not disappointed by it.

Hopefully some day, I won't be what I've accepted myself to be for the past 3 years.

--Cat Lady