A LOT has happened since the last time I wrote.I've gotten 10x closer with my best guy friend who just so happens to be gay, I've grown farther away from RS, and I've finally taken a look inside of my own head. I work with a cutie named ST, now I know what you all are thinking..another guy from work?She's crazy.Well..this time, it actually feels right. We've talked about religion..beliefs..REAL stuff.I absolutely love it. I don't think I even realized how I felt about being Catholic until I talked to ST. It's so hypocritical. Who is the catholic church to tell me I can't be a homosexual (I'm not for the record)? Who are they to say that if I'm married and my husband is beating me, that it is unacceptable and frowned upon to divorce him and I can no longer receive communion? Why is premarital sex bad? Are you really going to tell me that the bread and wine received at communion are REALLY Jesus's body and blood? It comes from a factory; I watched a video about how it was made when I was in 2nd grade making my first communion. Don't get me wrong, I think it's an awesome representation, but there is no way I can possibly believe that it's all from Jesus's body. If being Catholic is about worshiping God and repenting our sins, why are we not on our knees throughout that entire mass? If you're going to be Catholic, why not do everything like they did in the old days when the only thing that existed was the worship of God? When I was telling ST about all this, it literally started flowing out of my mouth and I wasn't even thinking. I definitely didn't realize I felt like that! I'm happy I have realized how unhappy I am with the Catholic religion & I pray I find one that I accept and can be dedicated to.
More on ST..He's about 6 foot, brown hair, kind of emo-ish styled where his bangs swoop down across his forehead.. He looks so good in a hat & mid-calf socks. Dear Lord, I love it. And he's such a sweetheart.. It started off obviously as just friends and then idk, but somehow we ended up being "married" hahah then we started texting a lot and we'd joke around about being married and give jokingly compliments. Then it really did hit me one day that what he was telling me, I really liked to hear. So some of my JOKINGLY compliments turned into real compliments..and the same went for him, except it was really hard to tell sometimes if he was serious or just kidding. So one time I said something that definitely could have been taken as a joke and he responded and then I go "but realllllly...." then another time I completely called him out and said that sometimes it's hard to tell if he's being serious or not and he apologized and then we've been serious since that moment. I told him I liked him, he said he likes me too :) I'm 20 years old and I still get giddy about a boy. The only problem is, is that boy (ST) is only 17..I'm almost 21. Now, according to Indiana State Laws, the consenting age is 16, but I don't want to look like a cougar or as disrespected. I like who I like and I CAN'T help that. I somewhat wish I could in this instance, but at the same time I've finally made myself happy and hardly care about others' opinions. Anyways, I think ST reminds me a lot of my best friend CW. Same style of clothes worn, same music listened to, same outgoing personality. I love that about CW & I think that's why ST is growing on me soo much.
I've always told my friends that I can't TALK talk to a guy if I can't imagine having sex with them. Not that relationships of mine must revolve around sex, they most certainly don't..I'll be honest, I do like sex, but if I find that right person it doesn't matter to me at all and I want it to take a while before we have sex. It's more special with the wait. Also, why would I want to have sex with someone who might "hit it & quit it". If they can stay with me for awhile, I know that sex isn't all they're interested in. Back to the main point though..EVENTUALLY I'll have sex with a guy I'm talking to. If they're the right person sex is going to happen whether we wait til our wedding night or it happens before. But if I can't picture us ever having sex (because if I marry you, I want to have sex and reproduce and be a mom..eventually) than I can't wire my brain to think we can have a relationship. Does that make sense??? I hope so.
Anyways..ST and I somehow got on the subject of sex. I love that he feels that open with me. I was SO shocked when he said that he had already had sex before a few times. I think that may have been what was stopping me from him before that point. I don't wanna de-virginitize a 17 year old boy who's still in high school especially when I've had sex too many times to count with 15 different people. I understand that it that statement just sounded outrageous.. 15 different people by age 20.It is outrageous. I'm not happy about it, but I'm definitely not disappointed by it.
Hopefully some day, I won't be what I've accepted myself to be for the past 3 years.
--Cat Lady
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
More thinking..TWLOHA
So I was thinking more about the J situation..why do I buy into his nice guy act and let him get what he wants and then not speak to me? It's ridiculous and I'm tempted to just tell him how it is. I'd delete his number, but I have it memorized..I either need him 100% in my life, or 100% out of it, there can't be an in between.
Meanwhile, I got my ear --a triple forward helix!!!!I love love love it. The pop of the needle going through was the absolute worst,but still bearable.
looks like this (:
Today is international pancake day--aka this girl is going to IHOP before they close tonight!!
______________________________________________________________________________
today is the first day of march! R & I are sitting at the TWLOHA table today to share info about self-harm. we made ribbons and bracelets last night and posters and they're all so stinkin cute im excited to be doing something for such a good cause. were also doing henna tattoos and body painting "love" on peoples arms. most excited about that i'd say!!
when i was in 8th grade, my best friend at the time, K, was dating a guy named chris. he had heart problems along with huge family problems. i dont remember specifics but i think his dad abandoned his mom and him when chris was young..there was definitely negativeness towards his dad. anyways..chris dealt with his pain with his dad by cutting himself.mainly on the thighs. he talked to K about it once and she didn't understand how he could to that to himself and all she wanted to do was understand why he would do such a thing..so she cut herself once to see if she could understand. that first time, lead to a second, and then a third and before i could realize it, my best friend was a cutter too. it broke my heart and made me feel so helpless that i couldnt be there with her ALL the time to tell her not to do it or to keep my eye on her. im happy she told me but it weighed on me so badly. one day she had an awful episode and pulled a knife from the kitchen and hid in the bathroom from her mom whom is one of the sweetest ladies i've ever met..after she came out, K's older brother took her for a drive to talk. they had no destination in mind, just a tank full of gas and a lot on the mind. they talked for hours about her cutting among other things. it was 6 years ago. K and I aren't really friends anymore but anytime i overhear someone talk about how they dont understand people who can harm themselves, it really gets me going inside. I realized..it doesnt matter that YOU understand. YOU just have to help them. That's all they need; someone to talk to. you dont have to speak any words..just listen.so today is for K, my dear old best friend whom I am so thankful is still alive today and has quit hurting herself.
love always,
Cat Lady
Meanwhile, I got my ear --a triple forward helix!!!!I love love love it. The pop of the needle going through was the absolute worst,but still bearable.
looks like this (:Today is international pancake day--aka this girl is going to IHOP before they close tonight!!
______________________________________________________________________________
today is the first day of march! R & I are sitting at the TWLOHA table today to share info about self-harm. we made ribbons and bracelets last night and posters and they're all so stinkin cute im excited to be doing something for such a good cause. were also doing henna tattoos and body painting "love" on peoples arms. most excited about that i'd say!!
when i was in 8th grade, my best friend at the time, K, was dating a guy named chris. he had heart problems along with huge family problems. i dont remember specifics but i think his dad abandoned his mom and him when chris was young..there was definitely negativeness towards his dad. anyways..chris dealt with his pain with his dad by cutting himself.mainly on the thighs. he talked to K about it once and she didn't understand how he could to that to himself and all she wanted to do was understand why he would do such a thing..so she cut herself once to see if she could understand. that first time, lead to a second, and then a third and before i could realize it, my best friend was a cutter too. it broke my heart and made me feel so helpless that i couldnt be there with her ALL the time to tell her not to do it or to keep my eye on her. im happy she told me but it weighed on me so badly. one day she had an awful episode and pulled a knife from the kitchen and hid in the bathroom from her mom whom is one of the sweetest ladies i've ever met..after she came out, K's older brother took her for a drive to talk. they had no destination in mind, just a tank full of gas and a lot on the mind. they talked for hours about her cutting among other things. it was 6 years ago. K and I aren't really friends anymore but anytime i overhear someone talk about how they dont understand people who can harm themselves, it really gets me going inside. I realized..it doesnt matter that YOU understand. YOU just have to help them. That's all they need; someone to talk to. you dont have to speak any words..just listen.so today is for K, my dear old best friend whom I am so thankful is still alive today and has quit hurting herself.
love always,
Cat Lady
Monday, February 27, 2012
Everlasting Thought In My Head
Since New Years has rolled around I have began the P90X workout. I'm tired of feeling chubby, sucking it in, & always thinking people are staring. So I decided to do something about it. I posted about p90x on twitter one night and a guy named Sean offered to be my p90x coach. It sounded weird at the time but I gave it a shot and am SO grateful I did! It was super annoying at first because he was always on my butt about "What did you eat" "What work out did you do". I couldn't stand it but once I got into the habit of him asking I got in the routine to eating healthier and doing the workout everyday. Since day 1, I have added zumba into my schedule as well. I LOVE it. Our instructor, Alice, is our age, gorgeous and super energetic with an amazing body. I always come out with my shirt drenched.
The past 2 weeks my schedule has been ridiculous and I've forgotten to complete school assignments or gotten classes and other things off schedule. It made me want to break down and cry, but crying won't solve any of it, I still missed my quiz and I was still late to student teach. I get so aggravated with myself..I felt like it was impossible to even continue p90x. There's not enough time in the day. I'm always studying for this, or doing lab for that, or doing a random assignment. I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK.
Skylar, bless his precious heart, has been texting me the past couple of weeks and for some reason I feel so incredibly comfortable with him. We watched the "It gets better" project on MTV last Tuesday night..not together though. Then I got to talking to him about how I don't understand how people can be so cruel to others. I could NEVER find it in my heart to bully someone to the point where they would be willing to take their own life. 1 in 3 homosexual teens contemplate suicide is what the show said. That statistic made me cry. My best friend is my whole world and he's a homosexual. He hasn't ever said anything about people's comments toward him and I'm very curious as to know if someone ever has insulted him..it breaks my heart to think such a thing. Like I said, I don't understand how someone could do that. That show really made me think & I love that. It led me to thinking about my religion.
I'm a catholic, but not necessarily a proud one. Who is the catholic church to tell me that I cannot be a homosexual being (I'm not, by the way)? Who is the church to tell me that if I'm being beaten by my husband, that it's a sin to get a divorce and I cannot receive communion? Who is the church to tell me that God does not love me if either of these happen? Who are they to tell me that swearing is going to send me to hell? Who are they to tell me that sex should be between a MAN and his WIFE. Why is premarital sex so wrong? Who are they to say that the bread and wine we receive at communion is Jesus's body and blood? I believe it is a representation, but I know both come from a manufacturing company, I do not believe it is the real thing. Isn't church all about worshiping God and being freed of sin? Then why is it that we sit in pews and are not on our knees begging for forgiveness the entire length of the mass? There are just so many things that I don't understand. I've asked questions to my mother and grandma and even people in the church that simply cannot answer my questions they just simply say "That's how it's always been." Well, that isn't a good enough answer for me. I want to feel alive at church, I want to feel the need to go, I want to cry because of all the beautiful stories, I want to go to church without being judged and stared at. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. I recite the prayers in my head, but I never listen to what I am actually saying. I want to feel the power of prayer every time I speak the words. THAT is what a church is to me. That is what God does for me. I don't think I want to be catholic anymore, yet I couldn't imagine being married at any other place but my hometown church. It hurts to not know what I want or have a path to follow but I know I have to figure it out on my own..that's one of the irritating things. I want a leader. I need a leader.
Having said all I have, I've been seriously trying to figure out who I am in this world. I've become stronger I think.Especially when it comes to alcohol and the opposite sex. Being on a well balanced diet made me realize I don't NEED alcohol in my life, especially not to have fun. It ruins my body (100% sugar) along with some relationships that I would much rather keep. Something else I have learned about myself is that I'm tired of being a piece of ass. I want a relationship but I will not settle for imperfection-given relationships are not perfect, but they can come close. Why would I want to continue to be with someone who annoys me or whom I can't feel comfortable enough telling HEY YOURE GETTING ON MY NERVES. I want that in a relationship--complete and utter honesty, whether it hurts or not.
About a month ago my ex from 8th grade (I'm only a sophomore in college, people!) got a hold of me and asked to see me. I agreed in a heartbeat. My relationship towards him will always be simple-I'll love J until the day I do. I would do anything to see him happy, although I would much rather see him happy with me..He joined the army over this past summer and went away to bootcamp. When J came over to my apartment, we talked like we just saw each other yesterday, when in reality it had probably been at least a year. Everything was just how it used to be and I loved it. He rubbed my back, he played with my hair, and looked me straight in the eyes and looked like he couldn't get enough. He told me he was on a break with his girlfriend. My heart fluttered thinking I could have back what was once mine..J told me he was leaving for Afghanistan in 3 months. It took awhile for it to soak in, but when it did I tried not to let it show. I told him that I was proud of him and that I can't wait until he gets to come back home and see everyone and just tried really hard to send him positive feedback. He left and I broke down. I was the only person he had told. No best friend, no girlfriend, not even his parents-- just ME. I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I have to stay positive when I want so badly for him to stay here where it's safe. I don't know what I would do with myself if he never came back...seriously.I've thought about him every day since I saw him last. I texted him the next day and asked him about what I was to him. He told me he wanted to be friends like we used to be. I DO miss it; we were so close. But, I want the friendship more than he does. I've called him a number of times and he won't get back to me. He doesn't have a voicemail set up so I can't leave a message. It hurts me so bad that I want to tell him everything in the world, but he won't pick up the phone. Yesterday I looked at his facebook and I think he's back with M. My heart sank so low and started to hurt..I just wish he'd get back to me. I can be a friend to him if that's all he wants, but that requires talking to me. See, me and my best friend that I talked about earlier (the homosexual one) it was known during high school that we were best friends so when he would start dating a girl (I still don't understand the whole him dating girls thing..) they would know that I'm not a threat. With J, if we started being friends again, he wouldn't make it known that we were friends if that makes sense. It's like we're secret friends, so if he talks to me it looks super sketchy if his girlfriend or friends found out. I dont want it to be like that! Why is it a sin to have a friend?
Too many thoughts have been crossing my mind lately and I'm ready to let them all out. Are you ready to listen?
Love always,
Cat lady
The past 2 weeks my schedule has been ridiculous and I've forgotten to complete school assignments or gotten classes and other things off schedule. It made me want to break down and cry, but crying won't solve any of it, I still missed my quiz and I was still late to student teach. I get so aggravated with myself..I felt like it was impossible to even continue p90x. There's not enough time in the day. I'm always studying for this, or doing lab for that, or doing a random assignment. I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK.
Skylar, bless his precious heart, has been texting me the past couple of weeks and for some reason I feel so incredibly comfortable with him. We watched the "It gets better" project on MTV last Tuesday night..not together though. Then I got to talking to him about how I don't understand how people can be so cruel to others. I could NEVER find it in my heart to bully someone to the point where they would be willing to take their own life. 1 in 3 homosexual teens contemplate suicide is what the show said. That statistic made me cry. My best friend is my whole world and he's a homosexual. He hasn't ever said anything about people's comments toward him and I'm very curious as to know if someone ever has insulted him..it breaks my heart to think such a thing. Like I said, I don't understand how someone could do that. That show really made me think & I love that. It led me to thinking about my religion.
I'm a catholic, but not necessarily a proud one. Who is the catholic church to tell me that I cannot be a homosexual being (I'm not, by the way)? Who is the church to tell me that if I'm being beaten by my husband, that it's a sin to get a divorce and I cannot receive communion? Who is the church to tell me that God does not love me if either of these happen? Who are they to tell me that swearing is going to send me to hell? Who are they to tell me that sex should be between a MAN and his WIFE. Why is premarital sex so wrong? Who are they to say that the bread and wine we receive at communion is Jesus's body and blood? I believe it is a representation, but I know both come from a manufacturing company, I do not believe it is the real thing. Isn't church all about worshiping God and being freed of sin? Then why is it that we sit in pews and are not on our knees begging for forgiveness the entire length of the mass? There are just so many things that I don't understand. I've asked questions to my mother and grandma and even people in the church that simply cannot answer my questions they just simply say "That's how it's always been." Well, that isn't a good enough answer for me. I want to feel alive at church, I want to feel the need to go, I want to cry because of all the beautiful stories, I want to go to church without being judged and stared at. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. I recite the prayers in my head, but I never listen to what I am actually saying. I want to feel the power of prayer every time I speak the words. THAT is what a church is to me. That is what God does for me. I don't think I want to be catholic anymore, yet I couldn't imagine being married at any other place but my hometown church. It hurts to not know what I want or have a path to follow but I know I have to figure it out on my own..that's one of the irritating things. I want a leader. I need a leader.
Having said all I have, I've been seriously trying to figure out who I am in this world. I've become stronger I think.Especially when it comes to alcohol and the opposite sex. Being on a well balanced diet made me realize I don't NEED alcohol in my life, especially not to have fun. It ruins my body (100% sugar) along with some relationships that I would much rather keep. Something else I have learned about myself is that I'm tired of being a piece of ass. I want a relationship but I will not settle for imperfection-given relationships are not perfect, but they can come close. Why would I want to continue to be with someone who annoys me or whom I can't feel comfortable enough telling HEY YOURE GETTING ON MY NERVES. I want that in a relationship--complete and utter honesty, whether it hurts or not.
About a month ago my ex from 8th grade (I'm only a sophomore in college, people!) got a hold of me and asked to see me. I agreed in a heartbeat. My relationship towards him will always be simple-I'll love J until the day I do. I would do anything to see him happy, although I would much rather see him happy with me..He joined the army over this past summer and went away to bootcamp. When J came over to my apartment, we talked like we just saw each other yesterday, when in reality it had probably been at least a year. Everything was just how it used to be and I loved it. He rubbed my back, he played with my hair, and looked me straight in the eyes and looked like he couldn't get enough. He told me he was on a break with his girlfriend. My heart fluttered thinking I could have back what was once mine..J told me he was leaving for Afghanistan in 3 months. It took awhile for it to soak in, but when it did I tried not to let it show. I told him that I was proud of him and that I can't wait until he gets to come back home and see everyone and just tried really hard to send him positive feedback. He left and I broke down. I was the only person he had told. No best friend, no girlfriend, not even his parents-- just ME. I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I have to stay positive when I want so badly for him to stay here where it's safe. I don't know what I would do with myself if he never came back...seriously.I've thought about him every day since I saw him last. I texted him the next day and asked him about what I was to him. He told me he wanted to be friends like we used to be. I DO miss it; we were so close. But, I want the friendship more than he does. I've called him a number of times and he won't get back to me. He doesn't have a voicemail set up so I can't leave a message. It hurts me so bad that I want to tell him everything in the world, but he won't pick up the phone. Yesterday I looked at his facebook and I think he's back with M. My heart sank so low and started to hurt..I just wish he'd get back to me. I can be a friend to him if that's all he wants, but that requires talking to me. See, me and my best friend that I talked about earlier (the homosexual one) it was known during high school that we were best friends so when he would start dating a girl (I still don't understand the whole him dating girls thing..) they would know that I'm not a threat. With J, if we started being friends again, he wouldn't make it known that we were friends if that makes sense. It's like we're secret friends, so if he talks to me it looks super sketchy if his girlfriend or friends found out. I dont want it to be like that! Why is it a sin to have a friend?
Too many thoughts have been crossing my mind lately and I'm ready to let them all out. Are you ready to listen?
Love always,
Cat lady
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Guess I Messed Up.
Well...guess i messed it all up. I guess i basically see the situation like this: Patrick only wants me for sex and doesn't want a relationship(or is too scared to be in one) so if he wants ME, he can get a hold of me. There's no point in making an effort on my part because i know all he wants is sex..so he didnt text me friday night when i went out for my roommate jaymee's birthday & i got really drunk and texted him and just wanted him to come over and hold me and then fuck the shit out of me hahaha but he just kept sayin no i can't (it's a long drive) so i was like okay and he kept giving his ipod to ian AGAIN so it was taking him forever to reply and when i get drunk i wanna talk NOW there is no "hold on" its now.so i got mad that he wouldnt talk and never does for that matter.so then he goes okay you wanna talk, ill talk.then i told him something and he fell asleep.classy.so he texts me back in the morning saying i cant get mad because he told me he was in bed and i just said i didnt care..which i did say and still mean.and that i didnt text him all day and waited til i was drunk to do so.whatever..so now theres a slight issue and it bothers me..i miss him a lot.like last night we worked together and i just wanted to go back to his house and sleep with him..yes i do mean actual sleep, not sex.thats how i am.i can go and hang out..he doesnt seem to be able to reciprocate. anyways..now i just want to talk to him but he hasnt replied yet and its been an hour.i wish he could see things from my point of view SO badly.but that would require us actually talking in person not through text.texts can get confusing and misread.i want to just calmly tell him how i feel and just have him listen and understand where im coming from.and try and fix things by talking, not by having makeup sex without even having fixed things.
love always,
cat lady
love always,
cat lady
Friday, September 9, 2011
From the Beginning.
12. The number of texts I got last night from Patrick. We work together..and have sex..a lot. We dated for a week but then he bailed and said we rushed into it yet told me he didn't just want to be friends. He texts me everyday around 6 or 7pm and asks how my day was..Sometimes I wonder why he even asks because it doesn't seem like he honestly cares, he's just looking to start a conversation. The past week I'm lucky if I talk to him for an hour. His friend Ian has been living with him and Ian doesn't have a phone. Patrick has a prepaid phone and ran out of minutes so he's been texting me from his iPod...technology these days is insane. Anyways..so Patrick just gives up his ipod so Ian can text his girl and that's his excuse for not talking to me. In complete honesty, it hurts my feelings so bad because I feel that he doesn't care whether or not he talks to me... I DO want to talk to him! Another guy from work, Skylar, told me that Patrick said sex with me is the best sex he's ever had. I'm flattered. But Skylar along with several othes have told me that's all he's in it for-sex. I'm not blind, nor unintelligent. I see exactly what they see, yet I can't find it in myself to do something about it. I know exactly what I need to do, I just choose to let it continue. Why? I have no balls.
I just really wish the people I cared about, cared more. Not necessarily about me, just about random things. Being used is the story of my life and I guess I don't know any better from men because that's basically the only thing I've surrounded myself with. I know how to care and to love, they don't..or just choose not to. "It's not you, it's me." "I'll have to do this, this & this if I start a relationship." "I don't want to be in a relationship right now." etc. I believe it's called commitment issues. Same words said, different people. It's like my life has a rewind button and I'm bring punished over and over again for letting down my wall. Maybe I'm doing something that I don't realize I'm doing, but I doubt it. I've gone the past 2 and a half years without being in a relationship. I'm not necessarily looking to be in a relationship (I wish guys would understand that instead of assuming I want one!) but at the same time it makes me feel like complete shit when one of my best friends has been dating her boyfriend for 2 and a half years and she has a promise ring and everything and I could almost bet you that they get married within the next 4 years. I love the both of them. I want what they have. Just someone to be there at the end of the day, especially when I've had a terrible day. I'm not asking for a life coach, just someone to care about me and only me and to make me feel happy as much as they possibly can. I'm tired of being used and abused. I have a heart, but if it keeps being torn apart with every guy I "talk" to, then I'm considering being single for the rest of my life...and maybe buying 50 cats to keep me company.
Love Always,
Cat Lady.
I just really wish the people I cared about, cared more. Not necessarily about me, just about random things. Being used is the story of my life and I guess I don't know any better from men because that's basically the only thing I've surrounded myself with. I know how to care and to love, they don't..or just choose not to. "It's not you, it's me." "I'll have to do this, this & this if I start a relationship." "I don't want to be in a relationship right now." etc. I believe it's called commitment issues. Same words said, different people. It's like my life has a rewind button and I'm bring punished over and over again for letting down my wall. Maybe I'm doing something that I don't realize I'm doing, but I doubt it. I've gone the past 2 and a half years without being in a relationship. I'm not necessarily looking to be in a relationship (I wish guys would understand that instead of assuming I want one!) but at the same time it makes me feel like complete shit when one of my best friends has been dating her boyfriend for 2 and a half years and she has a promise ring and everything and I could almost bet you that they get married within the next 4 years. I love the both of them. I want what they have. Just someone to be there at the end of the day, especially when I've had a terrible day. I'm not asking for a life coach, just someone to care about me and only me and to make me feel happy as much as they possibly can. I'm tired of being used and abused. I have a heart, but if it keeps being torn apart with every guy I "talk" to, then I'm considering being single for the rest of my life...and maybe buying 50 cats to keep me company.
Love Always,
Cat Lady.
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